That New York Trip - An Honest Account of Anxiety

Y’all. Anxiety is real. It’s so real - that you could find yourself flying to the Empire State with a round trip ticket and renting a car for the ride home. Yep, real. And it is NO respecter of persons.

It sounded like a fun time. I’d only been to NYC one other time, the girls trip I took with my Momma ️ and I was ecstatic! It was Christmas time so Micah and I bought tickets to see the Rockette’s, tickets to see The Grinch in Madison Square Garden, ice skating lessons for Claira Belle in Rockafeller Center (lets be real, momma can’t skate, somebody had to skate with her). The trip started out fabulously! We stayed at the Waldorf, ate lunch at Carnegie, dinner at Carmine’s, The Nutcracker...you get the idea. This Southern Belle doesn’t fly north often, better get it in while you can!

That’s when it started. I remember sitting in the packed theater watching Clara, from The Nutcracker. Gracefully the child danced, swinging her nutcracker around and around and I watched the sheer joy on MY Claira’s face. All was right in the world, until it wasn’t.

Why had I started counting the candy props that so whimsically decorates the stage? Why did I suddenIy feel really hot and nauseous? Why did I feel an urgency to leave the ballet? And why the devil was I counting stuff?!? Gah, this was a lot of work! I can honestly say this was the FIRST time I have ever done any “counting” (that’s what we’ll call it), I don’t even like math! I tried to rein in my mind and tell myself to calm the “you know what down”. I don’t swear often, but I figured if you were going to do something as crazy as this - now was as good a time as any - to bless yourself out. I really needed to get it together. And I did.

We left the ballet and went to dinner. With every bite I tried to swallow the nervous feelings that were swimming in my stomach...and after dessert we went back to the hotel where I kissed my loves goodnight and then drifted off to sleep. I didn’t mention anything to Micah about “the episode”. Best to NOT mention to your husband that he MAY or MAY NOT have married a fruitcake!

All was calm and all was bright until around 3am. It was then that I bolted out of bed, out of what HAD BEEN a peaceful night’s slumber and was in an absolute sweat. I needed to get out of that hotel room, like yesterday. I threw on my coat, took the elevator to the lobby and that is where I set up camp.

Yep, 3am there I sat, in my pajamas and a fur coat (no less), and thought well, here you are - this is it - you are BAT sh*t crazy. And...you are in New. York. City. You’ve done it now, missy. To say that I was thinking rationally, would have been fiction.

I thought I would leave Micah and Claira Belle asleep and let him get a full nights sleep before I broke “the news”. I sat there alone in the quiet and stared at the huge clock in the lobby and watched the crystals sparkle on the chandelier. I pulled out my phone, thanked God that I had thought to grab it and put it in the pocket of my coat, and began a two hour google search about losing your dern mind.

I took quick breaks from “camp” and paced the dark streets of old NY tears streaming down my face. How could this have happened? What is this? Depression? I don’t feel depressed. ?? I was happy. Right? Is it possible to turn into a fruit loop over a 24 hour period of time...Just like that? I wasn’t sure where this was headed, but I knew this for sure. I was NOT going back to our 18th floor hotel room. I needed to feel grounded, right here on level one. I went to the front desk and asked if they had any rooms available on the first floor. No? Yikes! The only thing she could arrange was a 5th floor room and that wasn’t going to work. I called my Momma around 6am.

Well, I’m sure that was a fun phone call to hear from your “baby girl”. She advised me to calm down and to go tell Micah what is going on and she then told my father that he, “May as well get ready to head up to the BIG CITY!”.

I sure miss those talks with her...she would NEVER have been caught dead looking like this in a hotel lobby, yep, I was a real life (Julia Roberts double in “Something To Talk About”). You know, the time she saw her husband (liar) in that bar with that tramp in the red suit (Gah, I hated her) then Julia (we’re friends now ) called her husband to come out and meet her in the STREET and she was in her NIGHTGOWN.  Oh, Lawd! Just like THAT! If you know you know.
Anyway...

Holding my breath I jumped into the elevator, scurried down the hall, leaped into our hotel room bending over next to the bed, I told my knight in shining armor that I had in fact, lost my mind, and that if he would please gather our luggage, wake up CB and meet me at “station one” (the lobby) because we really needed to get home, NOW. And by the way we weren’t taking the plane we rode in on.

I mean wasn’t like it was my first flight away from home? My mother worked for the State Department and thus went on numerous business trips around the world and you better believe I jumped at any chance to come along. No this, this was something different.

Well, if you know my husband you know that he isn’t easily shaken. Solid, steady, a might oak and the calm to my storm. God knew what he was doing when he put us together. I for sure, came out on top of the deal. He is always sweet to say that I am the excitement that he needed in his life, I keep things interesting and fresh. Well, I admit that coming out of a deep sleep and looking at your bride standing over you in pj’s, Uggs and a fur and talking what seemed like complete nonsense, well, even from me, this was a lot. A tall order. I needed him to stop the world, throw our plane tickets in the garbage...and drive me HOME. Yep, for better or for worse, I was cashing in.

And he did. We rented a car at 5pm (I tried to stay and hoped that I could have gotten it together, with no such luck), and because if you are going to have an anxiety attack why NOT get stuck in NYC traffic - in a tunnel - at rush hour...I still get panicky just thinking about that dern tunnel (nothing but prayer and Jesus got me through that one) BTW, ever been stuck in a car for 20 hours and try to hide a panic attack from your child? Shew-WE!

SO, we made it home. Micah drove non-stop, through the night. And now, he is not only my hero, but yours as well! And after a brief depression ( I don’t know what it is...if you’ve ever had a panic attack, maybe you can empathize, but, it takes so much out of you and I was left with this heaviness ??? ) I was so mad at myself for getting that way, so disappointed that I messed up our trip, and just felt an overall confusion about what in the heck had just happened.

I prayed with our pastor (she is a true rockstar) and she advised me through the prayer to give God his job back. Whoa, that was heavy!! So I did. ??? I mean let’s be honest, he is better at it anyway!! Right?!  And it turns out I had a control issue! What?!! I know!...It shocked me too!  It turns out that me going to the 9/11 museum earlier in the day was more than I could handle. And there it was, I was a mess. Also, it turns out
...God is good with messy. And HEY, I cannot control everything under the sun. There you go...

So let’s work on that. All of us. We can not control this “thing”. This thing we know as life. And if it wasn’t obvious to you years ago, like it was to me on our “New York Trip”, it’s probably obvious today. All of this craziness, the virus, plus homeschooling, social distancing. The world kinda looks (well, a little bit) like some sort of bad science fiction movie, and I did NOT subscribe to that channel. Nope. So what can we do?

Well, we can send each other funny meme’s, we can love each other ( at a distance ️ ) we can lean on each other and understand that together we CAN do this, and we can be transparent. Because guess what, we are all human and we all have struggles. I used to feel so self conscious about my anxiety, then one day Micah said to me, “You know we all have something “...and it’s true, we all have something. So, if my voice helps you today...great! I’ve had this blog in queue for a while and thought...you know, mental health is no joke and we all need to feel well. Especially now. ️

Always here for you,
Amber 

PS: Oh! And just to be clear I may NEVER go back to NYC (unfortunately). Odd but, Micah said he does NOT EVER want to EVER do that again. So, if I can’t drive there I don’t go. I hope to one day soar above the clouds, but, to be honest, I think I’ll wait for heaven.  Anxiety is a work in progress, one day at a time.

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