The Ju-Ju Lamps

I feel I should preface this story by saying that my MIL, myself included, have led a somewhat sheltered life. Her most, me second. For goodness sakes, up until 13 years ago the woman didn’t even know what “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere” meant! Not kidding. One day we were riding through a subdivision, on a Friday night (doing our pre-garage sale stake out, you do this before your Saturday morning adventure, you know to see if you like the house. If not, we cross you off the list. ️). It’s kinda like being set up on a blind date and giving yourself an advantage by doing a little before hand stalking, you know...see if you like “the goods” type deal. Anyway, Lord that doesn’t have A THING to do with those Ju-Ju lamps. So anyway, we are doing the stake out and she see’s a flag on someone’s porch that says “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere” and she says what does that mean? I gave her a dramatic wide eyed look and said “YOU know what THAT means”! No, I don’t. she says. Ya’ll, she DIDN’T. And of course that leaves ME, the one with the sinful slang, to be the tell all! And like I said, I’m not too terribly far behind her.

The JuJu lamps.

It started out just as any of our adventures do, with a swap site. This time it was Craig’s List, remember that? And we are usually pretty smart about meet ups. We use our good judgment and I travel with these two, big guns that are attached to my upper body. They could mess somebody up in about two shakes. Try em!

Now this particular night we had found these FABULOUS vintage lamps! And the seller was insistent upon us getting them THAT night. Well, we didn’t want to miss out...so we quick jumped into Cheryl’s van and headed to West Ashley. Bound and determined to get those lamps! Usually it’s just Cheryl and I on these adventures, but this time we brought Maw- Maw along. Maw- Maw is my husband’s grandmother, Cheryl’s mother. And she has a case of mild dementia...at this stage in her life. She was a librarian and has always been very, very soft spoken. You wanna talk about sheltered...God love her, she was the best.

So, we get to the seller’s house and as soon as I walked in...I felt a little odd. It had an Anthropologie (the store) look inside but it smelled very...well, hippy. So, the girl shows us the lamps and we fell completely in love. Well, Cheryl more than me. I was still checking “the vibes” and flexing my guns. You know, just in case. Then all of the sudden the girl bursts in tears. Wailing! I thought...Oh, here we go.

Now, Maw- Maw is sitting in a running car. And I,...am operating like an ostrich at this point. One eye on the sobbing hot mess, one eye on THE DO (Southern for door)! And Cheryl, is bring her to Christ. Sigh.

There were tears, sweat (from my nerves), heaven shook and there were drugs! DRUGS?! What was that humongous joint looking thing? Omg!!!

We are now in the middle of a hand held circle, bringing heaven down to this jezebel looking house, Jesus is saving and I am trying to figure out how to tell my (tip toeing through the tulips, MIL) that we need to scram. Hurry up...grab them lamps, Cheryl! Alright sista, your saved. Here is the address for my mother in law’s church...we OUT. See ya, Sunday!

So we jump into Cheryl’s van. And Maw - Maw (who is usually very quiet) says, what took y’all so long?! Well, I’ll tell you what took SO long!! “Cheryl, did you see that stuff in that bowl”?! What STUFF, she says. That drug looking stuff. “Just WHAT are you talkin about”, says Cheryl. “I’m talking about that THING with the string around it and those feathers and that crystal. That was WITCHCRAFT!!! “OH MY WORD, are you sure”, says Cheryl. I don’t think that girl would do that...

Now listen, Cheryl will go to the moon and back before she believes that something could be bad. So, it’s a difficult task to convince her that these lamps are what I believe to be...“haunted”. That’s right haunted! I said Cheryl pull over...we need to pray. “Pray for the lamps”?, she says. “Pray to see what we should do with them”, I say. Well, my stars, let me pull over, says Cheryl. And BTW, we are talking about a lady that prays over her brownies before she puts them in the oven. No wonder they are so delicious!

So, we pull into the parking lot at Trident hospital and I motion for her to pull up beside the dumpster. I took her Bible out from behind the seat and I tell her that we should just open it up and whatever page it opens to, we read it...and do it. THAT is how we’ll deal with these JuJu lamps.

Well, wouldn’t you KNOW that it opened to the scripture about idols. And wouldn’t you know God said to destroy them. HE said it, not ME. We prayed and prayed and I felt led on how we should go about “doing away” with the lamps. I said “Cheyl, we have to destroy them”. There is just no way round it. “What are you talking about”?, she says. Are you saying we are putting them in that dumpster? Couldn’t we just pray the JuJu out of them. “No Cheryl, God says that they must be destroyed”. “We cannot chance someone else getting them at the landfill.” We must DESTROY them...I feel it in my spirit...

So, out of the van we go. We begin smashing these big, glass, demon processed lamps...right in the hospital parking lot. “Oh my goodness” says Cheryl, “this is crazy!” . Now, Maw - Maw is still in the car. It is almost midnight and other than the light from the front of Cheryl’s Mazda mini van, it is as dark as an ace of spades. All I can see is a little old white haired lady sitting in the middle of the back seat watching two wild ninny’s with a very, very puzzled look on her face. We finish the job, and get back into the van. Dripping with stickiness from a hot summer night, Cheryl and I just sit and stare at each other. Then we hear a voice in the back seat pipe up. “What in GODDDD’S NAME are y’all doing”? We busted out laughing.  Well, all  except Maw - Maw. That was her LAST adventure with US.

Oh me, never a dull moment. Maw- Maw, Cheryl, myself and those DERN JuJu lamps.
BTW, those drugs...they were sage. I just had NO idea. So smudging you say??? Oh, OK! I guess that’s $100 we will never see again. Well, at least, she knows Jesus...
Who knows...maybe she’s an evangelist by now?